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I'm so lonely today. Shep hasn't even been gone 24 hours and all I can do is miss him. I guess it will get better. The first couple days must be the hardest. Plus, I have a wicked sore throat. I'm feeling vulnerable and sad and sick. And I wish he was here.

Why did we decide to go at different times? It doesn't really make sense, does it? Mom brought up something today that kick started the guilt wheel.

"I think your father would have liked the whole family to be there".

I immediately got defensive. I think because today is probably the worst day for me to have to defend why we're going separately because right now, I don't know either!!!

Sounded like a good idea at the time.

I realized this afternoon though, something in my subconscious surfaced. I think I wanted Shep to experience this on his own.

Maybe in a way I feel like I've already done the "i-have-no-place-to-call-home" thing. This 'finding yourself and learning about yourself cause you're by yourself' thing.

I think maybe I wanted him to experience it because it was so rewarding for me. I think deep down, that might be why I encouraged him to do that.

Doesn't stop me from missing him terribly.

My throat hurts. My heart hurts more.

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