Friday, October 11, 2002

More stories to elaborate on..now that I'm not employed, I will have time:

Last day

The new place - our 'flat'

Who knew a bank account would be the hardest part?

Freedom of saying and doing whatever you want

The power of actually doing what so many said could never be done
And so it is done.

I am no longer employed. I'm a full time world traveller. It's great to be alive.

Here was the message I sent to my former colleagues:

I want to thank you all for making my job here at Gavel & Gown that much more rewarding. While I am very excited about my adventures, I will miss the people who make it so special to work here.

As I go, I wanted to pass along a message to all of you:


Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a
long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the
window we drink the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children
waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke
pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands
and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and
village halls. But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a
certain day at a certain hour, we will pull into the station. Once we get
there, so many wonderful dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives
will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the
aisles, damning the minutes for loitering - waiting, waiting, waiting for
the station. "When we reach the station, that will be it!" we cry. "When I'm
18." "When I buy a new Mercedes Benz!" "When I put the last kid through
college." When the stock hits $30." When I reach the age of retirement, I
shall live happily ever after!"

Like Robert Hastings I have grown to appreciate that sooner or later, we
must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at, once and for
all. The joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly
outdistances us.

It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over
yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob
us of today. So I have decided to stop pacing the aisles and counting the
miles..... The station will come soon enough



Good luck and keep in touch,


Okay, I ripped it off - someone else already wrote this. If I knew who, I would give credit but I just thought it was amazing.

In fact, if it's you and you want credit - get in touch.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

I'm so lonely today. Shep hasn't even been gone 24 hours and all I can do is miss him. I guess it will get better. The first couple days must be the hardest. Plus, I have a wicked sore throat. I'm feeling vulnerable and sad and sick. And I wish he was here.

Why did we decide to go at different times? It doesn't really make sense, does it? Mom brought up something today that kick started the guilt wheel.

"I think your father would have liked the whole family to be there".

I immediately got defensive. I think because today is probably the worst day for me to have to defend why we're going separately because right now, I don't know either!!!

Sounded like a good idea at the time.

I realized this afternoon though, something in my subconscious surfaced. I think I wanted Shep to experience this on his own.

Maybe in a way I feel like I've already done the "i-have-no-place-to-call-home" thing. This 'finding yourself and learning about yourself cause you're by yourself' thing.

I think maybe I wanted him to experience it because it was so rewarding for me. I think deep down, that might be why I encouraged him to do that.

Doesn't stop me from missing him terribly.

My throat hurts. My heart hurts more.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

I can't believe Shep leaves tomorrow...wow..

I need to jot down more short form notes until I have longer amount of time to work with this page. Once's Shep is off, I will have LOTS of time on my hands.

My resignation

Moving

The party to end all parties

The Citizenship Waiting Game

Consider yourself teased

Monday, September 23, 2002

What a terrifying feeling. I have never felt so anxious! At least, I can't remember. It must have felt a little like this for university. Then again, I don't know. I think I would remember this.

Last night I had a panic attack. I think it just hit me that Shep is leaving next week. Wow.

I'm trying to put things into perspective but the mind and emotions are powerful things.

At least I'm learning something. Isn't this what I've always wanted? To keep learning.

I actually had the thought on the weekend that I didn't want to go anymore. I recognized a pattern in my life behaviour. My bark is bigger than my bite. I suddenly felt like, "no no no no no...I don't want to go...forget it.."

To stay? To stay for what?

All just part of experience. It will be interesting to see when I can write on a more regular basis what I have to say.

Have to finish the itinerary this week.

Ugg...

Friday, September 13, 2002

things are so whirlly!! I am going to write subjects down that I know I need to expand on and will turn into stories later...

Irish Passport

Working Holiday Visa

Preparing the House

Selling the House

Sold

More skeptics...sweet revenge...

End date approaching

These are definately posts of their own and perhaps more reminders to myself that I need to write about them. I will be able to do more and more and the weeks continue. Right now, it just doesn't work.

Friday, September 06, 2002

My parents are the best!!! They have given me a round trip ticket to Amsterdam with points!!! I feel so grateful. It's been so long since I relied on my parents for money that this just seems like a really big gift.

Plus, takes a load off my mind as well and is just another item I can check off my list!
Shep's passport arrived!!!! How liberating!! It definately makes it real. Now, I have to get my application out there. His took 4 weeks to recieve...hopefully mine won't take longer!

So much has happened since I last wrote.

The house is up for sale. We have had 3 people come already and 2 more appointments today. Wow. Let's just hope someone bites soon because it's difficult making your house look like a showroom day after day. It's amazing how many things you just leave lying around because it's your house. Now, everything has to be hidden away - all bathroom toiletries, all clothes - and that's a tough one for me.

But I know it will lead to a good thing in the end.

Shep and I continue to learn through this whole process. We are becoming the more the bestest of friends as they days go on. It will be hard when he's gone before me. I feel like I'm kinda behind him, in a way. I'm getting anxious about all the the things I have to get done before I go. Just pay attention to my lists and keep checking things off I guess. As my mother says, it's not so much the plan that's as important as the planning. The plan will always change.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

oh, on another note...I will probably have less and less access to a computer to write. It's being moved out sometime this week. As if I'm not already writing on a minimal basis.
Well, Shep has done it. He's given his notice. This is becoming more and more real as the days go on. It was good to get the first one out of the way.

We had a difficult weekend - perhaps our first disagreement in a long time. We had been spending the last few weeks tidying and cleaning the house, getting it ready to go up for sale. Shep's Dad had come, met with real estate agents etc and was just now in the process of figuring out what little repairs would be needed in order to make the condo sellable - he owns it,we rent. The three of us had spent the morning with the 800-JUNK guys loading up the truck - 3/4 full I might add of stuff that we don't even need!! why did we have that stuff anyway?:):) - and now, we were heading back to Senior Shep's house.

I was singing in the car. Shep hates that. I hate when he bugs me about singing. We were both tired. We were both cranky. We were both stressed. He swore at me...I HATE THAT...I started crying...it was crappy mostly because it was stupid. We didn't speak until the evening. We eventually worked it out.

This is the first of many that will happen along the way. Perhaps I should get used to him swearing.

Lesson #2: Don't let the little things get to you. It's good to know the person you're going with so you can know when not to push their buttons. It's also good to look outside of yourself and wonder 'what else could be going on for him in his head that could make him so on edge?' And so, toughen your skin up.

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Okay, I'm getting nervous again. Started packing up a bunch of stuff in the house last night and realized it might be years before I see it again.

Funny thing is, I haven't really looked at any of that stuff since I packed it last time. Each time I move, I always try to clean things out but no matter what, I still feel like I have tons and tons of memories. I hate to part with them. I'm sure if the Shep got a hold of everything, he would definately be more ruthless. Ah, I'll let him get a stab at it when we get back and buy our own house. They he can have some say as to what stuff I keep.

So, we've met with real estate agents and they said "Tidy the house, get rid of the clutter" and so that is what we're doing.

Still waiting on the stuff from the Irish Embassy in Northern Ireland. I know that I only sent it last week but it just seems like it's taking forever. Possibly because the first letter I sent didn't include the right information

Lesson #1: Call the embassy to make sure you have the most up to date forms before sending stuff away. Turned out the amount to recieve a birth certificate from Northern Ireland is now 9 pounds as opposed to 7 pounds (note: do not take my word for it either because it could change again). Plus, there was a special form that I had to fill out.

So, with that off last tuesday - just a week! eeks! - I will have to hope that I get something next week.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Ah the cynics. You have to wonder why it is they think it won't happen. I think deep down they really want you to fail. They disguise it mostly with suggestions as to what you can do or bring up a lot of 'what if' scenarios - like they actually care. But deep down, they don't want to think this will be THAT easy.

I'm not expecting it to be a walk in the park but I'm being intelligent enough to know what I will risk and what my limits are. I would say so far the hardest part has been the cynics. This is something I'm so excited about. I've never felt more focussed on something extra-ciricular in my life. But I must remember that not everyone is going to be excited for me. Some won't care. Some will be green with envy - I know that feeling cause I've been there.

Some may simply be bothered by the fact that beginning this adventure really was so doable. I guess it's easier to think that it's impossible to do something then to come to the realization that all you had to do was try.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

So, I'm getting my Irish Passport. My grandmother was born in Northern Ireland and this allows me to get a Republic of Ireland Passport. I don't really understand the whole politics of it myself but my dad says it's politically motivated. Doesn't matter much to me, as long as I can work and travel. The Shep - my beau - can get his own passport, except his is from England. His parents were born there. So, we're feeling pretty confident. More on the passport and my first lesson later...
I'm going to Europe. My beau and I are taking off, getting a place in England and travelling and working for over a year. Once we're finished that we'll figure out what we want to be when we grow up.
I'm starting a week late. Last Tuesday, my mother told me to get a journal and begin writing this whole experience. Well, I'm a pure procrastinator and have just gotten around to *buying* my journal. Figured might as well blog it. Part of this mission will be where paper and pen may not be as readily available as the Web. Plus, I'm a creature of habit and I need instant gratification so this seemed like the best option. As for the title, the inspiration also comes from my mom. Everyone she has told about her crazy 26 year old daughter's adventure has said, "You know, I was going to do that but....(insert reason here)". And so, this blog is also dedicated to all of you. Cause for all the moments I'm scared and nervous and wondering WHAT THE f**k i'm doing, I will always remember that there are lots of people out there who wished they had done this and someday I can look back and know that I did.