Friday, July 30, 2004
I have known him as her beau for many years (I think we're even talking over 10) and I could not picture a more perfect guy for her to be marrying.
If I was at the wedding - which I desperately wish I was - I would want to say this:
Today is a dream realized from years past
The white dress, the wedding cake, the promise of a love that lasts
Today is the beginning of a journey the two of you now share
The vow to love, honor, and cherish now seen in the rings you wear
But tomorrow, tomorrow you will wake as husband and wife
Where the person next to you is yours for life
And so my wish to you both is that when you wake each day
You will turn to each other with the same look you share today
I wish I could say I wrote this but I didn't. I just thought it was so lovely and sweet.
To another friend, taking the leap, towards eternal happiness.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Buying berry fruits reminds me of being an adult. The independance to go to the grocery store and stock up on treat items like strawberries and blueberries and raspberries and blackberries and the non berry fruit melon and not have to worry about how much I'm spending on them because I won't have enough for staples like milk and bread.
Fall reminds me of piling into the family vehicle - either the station wagon or the van - and venturing out with everyone to the apple orchard to pick apples, swing in the trees and ride on the old style horse wagon. At the end we'd gather in the converted bar for some warm hot cider and apple pie, made fresh from the trees we had just been swinging in.
Snow reminds me of trekking out in the woods to get the perfect Christmas tree with the entire family, all of us kids going "dad, what about this one?" as he skeptically examined, saw in hand, each and every suggestion before choosing one we could all agree on.
The power of memory.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
After 10 plus years of dealing with hormones, I think I have finally figured mine out.
As teenagers, we have them raging through our bodies. When we become adults, they tend to settle a little however there always seems to be a certain time of the month when they bring on ... well... let's just say "different" emotions.
I've also been quite verbal about my "crazy week" as I like to call it and no, it's not the "friend has arrived" week, it is the "friend will be here next week" week.
I always get very melancholy, introspective, melodramatic, mopey, irrational and moody. I cry often. Once I cried at a milk commercial that had high school football players in it because I thought their wholesomeness was just so cute.
Over the years, I have begun to spot the week. Sometimes, it sneaks up on me and I will get emotional and not understand and why does my life suck and oh wait....(a little bit of math) and the numbers match up. I smile to myself and think, "This is definitely the week before the week".
About 3 years ago, I decided to go on the pill for the first time in an effort to help balance out the whole "week" thing. Plus, I had quit smoking and "everyone was doin it" so wanted to see what the fuss was about.
After gaining about 10 pounds - (stop yourself if you're going to give me the "but the pill doesn't make you gain weight" lecture because technically YES IT DOES. Anything that makes me HUNGRY-ER and crave CHOCOLATE, CHIPS, CANDY AND MORE CHOCOLATE is directly the reason for gaining the weight) - and also experiencing nasty mood swings, I decided it wasn't for me after all. Pill got 6 months. Then it got the boot.
A couple of month's ago, I started taking Evening Primrose every day. I didn't notice any "craziness" so I figured hey! this is working!
Except, "it" never came. Which was slightly alarming for a few reasons but then I realized, the Evening Primrose MUST have been messing with my hormones. Back to square one.
Sunday - I noticed the weepy feelings coming on. So I took an primrose pill the next day. And the next day. And I am feeling quite happy and motivated, I must say.
Without going into too much details (too late) I have figured out when to stop taking them so that nature will take it's course.
And now I can live a fairly stable horomonal life - EVERY week of the month.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
I am very afraid of failure. I realize this is stating the obvious. Who isn't afraid of failure?
It's just, I feel that I haven't really failed for a long time. And I don't mean that in a conceited arrogant way. I just mean I feel as though I'm putting myself out there right now more then I have in a really long time.
I am truly pushing my own boundaries and I'm afraid of falling flat on my face.
I just had a little panic flicker that went, "what are you doing?"
Feisty does this great bit about Fear stalking her and how she's always tried to push him into the closet so Confidence can stay for awhile.
I am missing my Lady Luck.
I have always been someone who believes that most of the things that happen to you, happen to you because you worked hard.
But then again, some of the best things that have happened to me is because of Lady Luck.
The most obvious being meeting D - he was never supposed to live in the same residence I did and happened by a weird course of events and we have both pointed out that we were so day and night that if we had only met in journalism classes we probably would have never talked to each other and it was only that in our small residence we were the only two journalism students - Lady Luck to the rescue.
And in meeting him I was given the chance to not only quit a draining job but also travel Europe AND live abroad with someone as wonderful, adventurous and stable as him - Lady Luck pops her head in again.
I got the job at canada.com because Thea thought my cover letter was clever. I had sent a similar cover letter attached to EVERY resume I sent out during that time. Lady Luck picked the right lady to appreciate it.
My partner-in-crime when I worked in communications turned out to be one of the most movitational people I have ever met. From her I learned the importance of good management, good processes and a good laugh. Lady Luck plucked her out of all the other candidates and plunked her down beside by desk.
And when I was at a very low point during our first couple months here in Belfast, Lady Luck dropped 3 beautiful ladies, who embraced me with open arms and included me in a way that I thought was only possible within my own circle back home. Saying goodbye to one of them this weekend - she's headed back to Oz - was much harder then I expected.
Lady Luck can't help me with this one. It's gotta be all me. And maybe that's what's scarier. That I don't really have anything to pin my failure - or my success - on.
At least it's a chance...which is much more then I had a couple of weeks ago.
Monday, July 26, 2004
They float around in the sky, swooping up and down past the clouds.
I see them outside my balcony window.
I know I live by the sea because I can hear them. Groaning and moaning. Screeching. Wooo-ahhhing at each other.
The screaming children I see being dragged about from shop to shop must have learned how to squawk from these seagulls because it's hard to tell the difference.
So many times, I stop, mid-sentence, mid-walk-in-the-bedroom, mid-making-tea, thinking someone is torturing a child outside.
I hear them when I'm in that slumbery place right before dawn breaks.
And I start to dream about fighting people, screaming children, angry angry birds.
In Leeds, the traffic outside my bedroom window sounded like the ocean. Sometimes I would imagine that if I lifted the cutains, there would be this magical landscape of rock face, foliage, sand and sea. The beaming sun would peek out from the clouds in an almost blue sky.
I have always wanted to live by the ocean.
But I never thought I would enjoy the "fake" seaside sounds of the traffic over the "very real" seaside squawks of the seagulls.
Very creative, reflective weekend.
I was pleasantly surprised at my enjoyment of a task I was never expecting to enjoy.
I'm not holding my hopes up for anything.
And for once, I will simply let fate deal with this one.
I've worked as hard as I can and there's no more I can do on this project.
So of to you, Destiny.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
I got a letter today from a place I applied to awhile ago.
It's not exactly part of the new thing. It's actually completely new altogether.
Be careful what you wish for.
If it's clear as mud to you well then we're definitely in the same boat.
My mind still spinning a bit.
A step towards a success. So many opportunities.
So cryptic. But I'm enjoying this secret to myself right now.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
I am usually quite comotose in the morning, so these small tasks make it easier to cope with waking up. I don't have to fiddle with the cupboards - I simply have to click on the kettle.
And so, in my morning state, I did what I do every morning. Go and turn the kettle on before I get in the shower. Then, when I get out of the shower, I can go and fill my mug and let the tea stew while I get dressed.
By the time I dressed, the tea is usually done and then I can remove the tea bag, add the milk - or the soya milk that I'm attempting to like but it is so difficult - and eat my cereal - which I don't really like but I know is good for me and therefore will eat.
But this morning, for some reason, I was too asleep and forgot to turn the kettle on. I was dressed before I even made it into the kitchen.
And so, I turned the kettle on. Left the kitchen to get my bag ready.
I came back to the kitchen to fill my tea mug when I realized that there was already tea in the mug. I had to stop.
Did I already do this? Was I so asleep this morning that I actually already made myself a cup of tea and totally forgot about it?
And then it hit me. He has been doing things like this lately for me.
Filling up my water glass that has lime and lemon that I like to keep in the fridge so that when I open the door, there it is. Full. Ready for me to drink.
Putting away my clothes on my side of the bed and making it because I am in too much of a rush - and usually still half asleep - in the morning to do so.
I have always joked with him that just because he doesn't drink tea (or coffee or pop or juice really - it's either water or beer) doesn't mean he couldn't make me a cup once in awhile. He would always laugh and tell me that that would never happen.
But this morning it did. Just because.
And there, in my sleepiness, I smiled and beamed.
Love makes you do things for no reason at all. I can't believe after almost a decade that I love him more then ever.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
It's something I was quite worried about. I wasn't expecting to feel fine about the whole thing if it happened. I was expecting to feel more like a failure.
I was proud that something had stuck in my head for so long, that I had been focussed on one goal. That I was beginning to "find myself" and know exactly what it was that I wanted to be. Really be
And yet, there is an enthsusiasm, mixed with calm, mixed with relief. But there is definitely a wind of change.
I hate to be cryptic but I'm just not quite ready to announce my new "thing" to the world yet. It's simply that I am excited that it is a NEW THING. It's not even that anything has moved forward with it. It's simply that it's a NEW-THING in my head.
Something else to try. A modification due to circumstances out of my control. A "seen the light" kind of moment, because if my Belfast life had worked out the way I planned, I would never have thought of this option. And yet now, I keep shaking my head wondering why I've never thought about it in the first place.
Since I was 8, I wanted to be a reporter. I wanted to be that until I was 23. Since I was 23, I kept changing what I wanted to be.
Until last year, when ONE-THING just kept coming back into my head and I never strayed. It just stuck there, like gum on the bleachers, relentlessly stubborn and arrogantly grounded. Just knowing that nothing else would push it out of the running.
Last year, I liked that. Liked that it seemed as though I had defined what I wanted and where I wanted it to be.
But it was becoming a heavy weight. Like a ball and chain around my ankle, tying me to this ONE-THING that I decided I should be. And it was getting me down. Making me angry and frustrated and annoyed. It was actually the ONE-THING that was making me feel like a failure.
I'm not actually veering that far off my original course. But I think I've just realized I just can't ONE-THING it. It's just not in me.
I think I've also just realized that it's always going to change. I don't know why it took me so long to accept it. Perhaps I am so committed to a plan that sometimes, I force myself to stick to something even if it the situation has changed, I still view my plan as being the same.
I've always put myself down, as though I've given up on things and not given them 100% and that's why I have had to changes plans in the past - because of my own failure to commit.
I've decided to stop beating myself up.
This may be a bit bold but perhaps I'm OVER-committing. Forcing a plan that will never pan out because too many circumstances surrounding the plan have changed.
I've never really been good with change. And I've been ignoring it, calling it failure, lack of discipline, laziness.
Perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit now, I don't know. What I do know is I'm going to ride this positive wave for as long as it goes and deal with the aftermath of impulse later.
What a difference two days make.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
I chatted with so many friends and relatives over the weekend.
I did a lot of thinking.
I watched the entire first part of the Anne of Green Gables triolgy - three and a half hours - in my pjs, with tea and popcorn. All that before noon.
I realized that the only days I want to sleep in are the days that I have to go to work.
I tried very hard to put my life into perspective.
And I realized, I need "change my mind" as the song goes (and I really wish I could remember who wrote it)
I am not impatient. I am ambitious.
I need to rework the way I am used to working.
And so, I will be putting in place a new schedule for myself. I'm sick of coming off as a complainer and not a do-er.
Give me a schedule and I'll stick to it.
Wish me luck.
Friday, July 09, 2004
Next week will be SO SLOW in the office as I think I am the only person NOT going away somewhere.
Well, I do exaggerate. There will be 3 of us in our department.
I just hope I'm not bored.
But then again, I could always write.
And I think I will see enough excitement this Monday to give me the inspiration.
There will be lots of bands and parades out in the city. It will be interesting to see. Everything kicks off with a huge bonfire as well. I'm not sure, though, that going too close to the fire party will end up being such a grand idea.
My first July 12th in Northern Ireland. It should be interesting.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
much your competitive spirit wants to get the best of you.
Everyone is in a different place, a different phase, at a different time.
This is not school, where activities tend to correspond to ages.
This the big real world.
You cannot live to be someone else. You must always simply live to be yourself. It takes you long enough to figure out who that is, you might as well stick with it.
And most of all, be happy for those around you who are finding
happiness. Don't let your fears and anxieties take away from the joy they are feeling. Experience it with them.