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CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

It's happened. It took a whole year but it has finally happened.

It's something I was quite worried about. I wasn't expecting to feel fine about the whole thing if it happened. I was expecting to feel more like a failure.

I was proud that something had stuck in my head for so long, that I had been focussed on one goal. That I was beginning to "find myself" and know exactly what it was that I wanted to be. Really be

And yet, there is an enthsusiasm, mixed with calm, mixed with relief. But there is definitely a wind of change.

I hate to be cryptic but I'm just not quite ready to announce my new "thing" to the world yet. It's simply that I am excited that it is a NEW THING. It's not even that anything has moved forward with it. It's simply that it's a NEW-THING in my head.

Something else to try. A modification due to circumstances out of my control. A "seen the light" kind of moment, because if my Belfast life had worked out the way I planned, I would never have thought of this option. And yet now, I keep shaking my head wondering why I've never thought about it in the first place.

Since I was 8, I wanted to be a reporter. I wanted to be that until I was 23. Since I was 23, I kept changing what I wanted to be.
Until last year, when ONE-THING just kept coming back into my head and I never strayed. It just stuck there, like gum on the bleachers, relentlessly stubborn and arrogantly grounded. Just knowing that nothing else would push it out of the running.

Last year, I liked that. Liked that it seemed as though I had defined what I wanted and where I wanted it to be.

But it was becoming a heavy weight. Like a ball and chain around my ankle, tying me to this ONE-THING that I decided I should be. And it was getting me down. Making me angry and frustrated and annoyed. It was actually the ONE-THING that was making me feel like a failure.

Mind switch.

I'm not actually veering that far off my original course. But I think I've just realized I just can't ONE-THING it. It's just not in me.

I think I've also just realized that it's always going to change. I don't know why it took me so long to accept it. Perhaps I am so committed to a plan that sometimes, I force myself to stick to something even if it the situation has changed, I still view my plan as being the same.

I've always put myself down, as though I've given up on things and not given them 100% and that's why I have had to changes plans in the past - because of my own failure to commit.

I've decided to stop beating myself up.

This may be a bit bold but perhaps I'm OVER-committing. Forcing a plan that will never pan out because too many circumstances surrounding the plan have changed.

I've never really been good with change. And I've been ignoring it, calling it failure, lack of discipline, laziness.

Perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit now, I don't know. What I do know is I'm going to ride this positive wave for as long as it goes and deal with the aftermath of impulse later.

What a difference two days make.

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