Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I woke up this morning to a dreamy D saying 'Happy Birthday' with his cute smile about 15 times. I opened cards from TLO, Grandma N, Grandma P and my second family the S's. I vegged on the couch, made a big fry up, and went shopping until 12:30 I headed to a cafe near the spa, where I enjoyed a luxurious lunch, before heading to be pampered. I got to the spa, had a relaxing 2.5 hours and got myself in a cab ride home. I checked my messages to find that EB and my buddy JH had left really fab bday messages for me - voice mail rules. I also got home to 2 dozen roses, a card and a printed message that said.. I 'heart' NY Gulp. Gulp. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I fly out tomorrow morning. TO NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dreamy D arranged with work for Thurs and Fri off. I am gobsmacked. Even writing that makes me not believe it's true. My sister knew. My mom knew. My friends in Belfast knew. There is no party on Friday night because I WILL BE IN NY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...

I'm happy to say that I believe I will be entering my 30s (or as my mother pointed out 31st year) with a sense of calm. I will not go into details until tomorrow. I can't actually think of anything more fitting to kick off the next decade. I'm quite quite certain they might actually be the best years yet.

I'm going to barf. I'm really really going to puke with anxiety. I have never before been through so many roller coaster emotions. I'm trying to document it all here because I want to look back and laugh at myself. Laugh for being so caught up in it all. How many times can one person check their email? It's the waiting that is the worst Oh god oh god oh god

D pointed out this morning that my gradiose statement 'My birthday is ruined' was perhaps slightly a bit melodramatic. I was able to laugh at it only because I was woken up by the phone ringing, a familiar voice and a serenade of If I Only Had a Heart. I've got the info I need. Nothing has really changed the timeline however I don't feel quite so angry any frustrated any more. ****** Unable to elaborate JUST YET, I thought I would post this website I found off an ad from dooce.com - yes, sometimes I do click those ads as they are relevant to me. My marketing background loves it when an ad speaks to me in a way I feel like seeing what's behind it...and I click to support the artist, because she's funny and I'd like to pay her for it some how.

Long time, passing, I wanna know... What has happened to me? When did I lose my carefree spirit? Did I ever really have one? When did I become so frustratingly anal about BEING PERFECT and DOING IT ALL RIGHT THE FIRST TIME Aren't we supposed to make mistakes? Fall on our face? Am I actually able to cope with spontaneity? Or do I just pretend that I'm all 'oh, easy breezy laid back Canadian girl?' This turning 30 thing must be screwing with my head..or not.. I just want something to go to plan. Anything. But why??????????????????????? (Inner monologue will continue throughout the day no doubt. I wish I was back in Canada because at least I'd be at a cottage, in a Muskoka chair , vegged out with a Molson Export , probably, if I had my way, smoking some DuMaurier )

Coulda - punched myself in the head for not answering a very important call from a very far away friend Woulda - had every piece of documentation needed and ready to go if only... Shoulda - DONE MORE INVESTIGATION ON THE PROCESS instead of trusting someone else knew what they were talking about This is just a minor setback, albeit a REALLY REALLY FRUSTRATING ONE!! (2 days til my big 3-0 and I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode...secret is almost ready to come out)

I had never heard of this contest until we moved to the UK. I suppose why would I have - it's called Eurovision. Not only is it visually bizarre but the UK is lucky enough to have the event commentated by this famous presenter , who admits to simply getting drunk and taking the piss out of the whole thing. Can I say D and I never laughed harder? Oh, and if you watched it last night, we thought it was AMAZING too... ha ha ha ha ha

When I was in high school, I used to be MORE melodramtic then I am right now. I know, perhaps hard to believe, but those of you who lived it with me know what I'm talking about. For some reason, I think it must have been in grade 9 or 10, I got this weird notion into my head that I wasn't going to live past 30. I used to say it nonchalantly, like, I didn't want beans for dinner. I also used to go on and on about how I knew I was ugly but I didn't care because I was smart and I wanted to be smart more than I wanted to be pretty. At the time, I didn't think I was fishing for compliments - just being practical. Upon reflection, WHAT ELSE could a 16 year old girl want when she tells people she knows she's ugly? My feeling of impending death lasted all through high school. Most people who know me then, will remember me having this idea in my head. Eventually, people would just roll their eyes when I would bust out, 'well, it doesn't matter cause I won't l...

First let me apologise for trying to be so 'hip' with my subject line but it's a song that gets stuck in your head and there is no...getting...it....out. When we decided to take the big adventure, sell the house, quit the jobs and go travel Europe, we had to deal with our stuff. We had to take all the things that we had filled the house with and put it somewhere. This is a bit an unnerving process because you don't realise how attached you get to stuff. Our society is such a consumer world that we feel we would be lost with out so many things. The vase. The TV in the bedroom. Your DVDs. The cushions on the couch. The magazines that scatter the house. The garlic press. The full length mirror. The hand towels. Your hanging pictures. You feel like you're defined by stuff you choose to surround yourself with. And then it all changes. It sound very earthy but when you release yourself surrounding you with material things, you suddenly realise that life does go on. You CA...

I am a big ole ball of frustration today. I hate waiting on other people and relying on them to make decisions that affect my life. I know that this will end and it will all make sense eventually but it's at the beginning stages of this whole process. There are so many decisions that need to be made and processes that need to be started before other processes can get started. Amongst it all, I have to continue to act normally and going along with the day to day frustrations. Sometimes you just have to let go. I suppose this is what I realised this morning. I have to let go and trust. And know that things will go wrong. That just because I have been through this process before, does not mean it will end up being the same route. I have to just give in like I did the first time this process began. Ignorance is bliss. I just can't yet. I know the consequences and what I'm facing and it makes it so much more difficult to simply enjoy the experience of experiencing it. It doesn...

I'm not sure when I learned that Love Will Keep Us Together was my parent's song. They had the Captain and Tennille LP (It must have been kinda like having a New Kids on the Block CD - it seemed like a good idea at the time). I remember distincting the two wrinkley faced bulldogs on the front who oddly enough resembled my parents two dogs which they bought years later, Frankie and Agatha. I also remember not really understanding why the Captain was wearing a captain's hat and singing. If he was really a captain, what was he doing shacking up with some skinny babe to make music? Should he be sailing the seven seas? Music always seemed to blare from the stereo, louder than it really needed to be but perfect for my deaf drummer father, who after years of gigs with smokes and babes, (you know, those years between 16 and 23) had either become slightly hard of hearing or simply was trying to drown us all out and get back to the good ole days. And it was not odd to see my parents...

(So high I forgot what I really wanted to post today..) For all the ladies who were in grade 5 in the 80s , you will love this

I've never really been able to put my finger on my allergies but I only know that in spring, I seem to get them. They used to be a very stuffed nose accompanied with sneezing. Now, I don't get the stuffed nose, I get the headache with the sneezing. When I as home in April, I bought some allergy medication (not to be named but a very regular brand) as I know it worked for me before and the BEST PART was that I only had to take it once a day and it worked. They have either changed the formula or I am definitely becoming an old lady because every time I've taken it since I've been home, I feel high. All those years in my early twenties when I thought I was hungover...NOPE High on allergy medication. All those time I thought was getting really pissed on the 3 pints of beer I would consume in a night..NOPE High on allergy medication. And so, I thought I had tricked the medication this time by taking it before I went to bed - the high feeling will then have worn off by the mo...

For those of you who have followed my struggles with the wicked weed (no not THAT weed), you will be pleased to know that I have now gone for 3.8 weeks, including 6 drinking sessions, without having a cigarette. I used the 'treat' system and with D's help, devised a plan that has worked. Every Sunday I make it to, i get to treat myself, each week the amount I get to spend goes up by 5 pounds. And because I am becoming more girlie by the day, I have been indulging in this line of beauty products that make you feel like a million bucks. This Sunday is £20..can...not..wait!! The reason I wanted to be done with the tabacky was for my health, physical and mental. I was sick of having to 'quit' smoking every Monday morning after drinking and smoking over the weekend. I was not going to get any closer to running a marathon inhaling smoke. And I'm so pleased with myself (and with the help of nicorette) that I have kicked the habit of needing a smoke when I drank. So it...

Many of my friends have been having babies lately. (Way to go J and L!! Hadley is beautiful! Another blog entry for later...) This tends to make you think about how you would be as a mom. I read this this morning and pissed my pants. This, dear readers, will not be too far off. http://www.simonsays.com/content/book.cfm?sid=33&pid=516738&agid=2

It alway seems at the last minute, I go through panic stages and want to change my mind. I think I have myself all figured out, taking the time to think pros and cons, weighing all the options and then, when I've finally made my decision, I FREAK OUT!! Is this a good idea? Is this the right thing to do? Am I getting caught up in the excitement of the thing instead of actually thinking about how it will REALLY be? Why am I doing this is the first place? Am I simply trying to prove something or do I REALLY want to do this? oh no wait! They say go with your gut but I HAVE A GEMINI GUT!!! It can't be relied upon - it's as impulsive as I am! If I went with my gut, I'd never get anything done because just when I figured out what it was trying to say, it would turn around and change its mind! I'd have to bribe it: 'C'mon, I'll give you a G&T if you will just have ONE type of feeling. It'll be yummy! You'll enjoy it! Now FIGURE OUT WHICH IDEA MAKES Y...

I do feel a bit bad that I have been very vague in my exciting news and unfortunately, I am still sworn to secrecy. I can tell you that it is getting much closer...and much scarier... The most exciting thing I can now talk about is made possible by the fact that it is May. When we were little, in an effort to stop us begging and pleading for birthday presents EVERY DAY and also to assist in maintaing my mother's sanity, there was a rule in our house that we could not talk about our birthday - not talk meaning not discuss the plans of the day, the requests of the gifts, the people to invite - until the first day of the month of our birthdays. Every year, I would wait and wait for May to come along. Then I would bombard my mom with questions who, already agreeing to allow us to talk about our birthdays once we had arrived at the month, was then forced to endure a DAILY ritual of birthday chatter. (May must have really sucked because my little sister H is 4 days after mine. How did he...