Skip to main content

Morbid...But in a Nostalgic Way

When I was in high school, I used to be MORE melodramtic then I am right now. I know, perhaps hard to believe, but those of you who lived it with me know what I'm talking about.

For some reason, I think it must have been in grade 9 or 10, I got this weird notion into my head that I wasn't going to live past 30.

I used to say it nonchalantly, like, I didn't want beans for dinner. I also used to go on and on about how I knew I was ugly but I didn't care because I was smart and I wanted to be smart more than I wanted to be pretty. At the time, I didn't think I was fishing for compliments - just being practical. Upon reflection, WHAT ELSE could a 16 year old girl want when she tells people she knows she's ugly?

My feeling of impending death lasted all through high school. Most people who know me then, will remember me having this idea in my head. Eventually, people would just roll their eyes when I would bust out, 'well, it doesn't matter cause I won't live past 30 anyway...'. They'd gotten so used to it, it became commonplace.

I also remember really milking it with my first crush - CY. Even writing his initials gives my heart a little flutter. What is it about the innocence of your first crush that sustains the feeling for years and years? It all ended badly but remembering the beginning - and again, friends of mine will remember the OBSESSION I had with him, to the point where they will be rolling their eyes RIGHT NOW just looking at his initials.

When I was 16, there was something really great about someone like CY telling me he would miss me if I died before I was 30. Maybe it was just my way of finding out how he felt about me. I can tell you, he probably doesn't even remember my birthday let alone that I'm turning 30 so the likelihood of him actually missing me are slim.

I don't really remember when I stopped talking about my 'dying before I'm 30' thing but I do remember by the time I met dreamy D, it sounded silly to say.

I had actually forgotten all about it until last week. For some reason, thinking of the big day next Wednesday made think of the past and that made me think..oh wait!..ya, remember when I was that girl who thought I was going to die before I was 30? ha ha ha..

As an 'adult' (and I put that it quotes because if your criteria to be an adult is to be 18 then I'm sure I pass however, any more than that and I probably will get demoted to 'mature adolescent'), I think this statement had more to do with the fact that I couldn't imagine what my life would possibly like at 30.

For some reason, I could see my free twenties, partying it up, living in cities, traveling around, drinking Starbucks and talking to my friends about all the one night stands I'd had (Sex in the City anyone?). I just couldn't see what happened after you hit the big 30. And maybe, I thought all the fun in life comes to an end at that point.

I see now it was more me wanting to stop time rather than a sixth sense about my destiny.

But, in case by some weird cosmic force I turn out to be actually right (which would be creepy in more ways then one, especially since the consolation will be that I WAS RIGHT and everyone knows how I HATE to be wrong) I thought I should write down all the reasons why I am lucky - all the things that I now have in my life that make the last almost 30 years on the planet so spectacular.

1 - I have my health. I can run, do sit ups, push ups, swim, laugh, cry, see, smell, taste, hear, breathe.

2 - I have my loving family, all who are healthy and happy. This seems like such an average statement to make. Reading the words I don't know that it does any justice to our closeness. Or our childhood memories. But I'm not sure how else to express it.

3 - I have a spectacular partner in crime, one who continues after 10 years, to make me laugh on a daily basis. It's simple but its the only thing I ever really wanted. I'm so lucky to have found him so early. I have had so many years of glorious fun with dreamy D.

4 - I have wonderfully supportive friends. I have met so many incredible people in my lifetime. From so many different walks of life. They continue to amaze me with their kindness. And their patience for putting up with me.

5 - I have finally worked at a job I love. I have woken up on a regular basis walking into my job loving it. Before 30, that impresses even me.

6 - I have seen a lot of the world. Europe is a specatularly diverse place. I'm so grateful to have seen as much as I have

7 - I have gained perspective. No one can describe what living in another culture is like. What it does for your opinions. What it does for your patience.

8 - I don't have any regrets. I really don't. I have made many mistakes. But, as the saying goes, I have learned from them all. And I would probably make them again given the chance.

9 - I really like myself. Okay, this sounds really conceited but I just really like who I am, with the help of many people around me. I remember always feeling like I was good enough to do whatever I wanted. My first job interview ended with my future boss asking me where I got all my confidence from. I said my parents, because I figured they were the ones that encouraged me to simply be myself. I am not perfect and I already know all my faults. And I'm okay with them. I try my best not to hurt people and I figure if that's the one thing I try to do consistently, I can go too far wrong.

It feels a bit weird to write a list like this. And I kinda feel like their should be a 10 but then, that would make it too perfect and life is no fun when its perfect.

I have such a great life. I guess I just wanted you all to know that. In case, you know.

Now, if I don't get to be drinking G&Ts, I expect all of you to have your share. That and smoke. A LOT.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Focus

My regular journaling has significantly improved my mood.

I've been taking some time, twice a week, to polish existing content as well as develop my floating ideas into a more concrete outline.

I've felt this focus for the last 6 weeks that I can't really describe properly. It's as though I've shifted my thinking totally. Writing is my craft. It's what I do, who I am, how I exist. It's like my mojo.

So, I guess, I've gotten my mojo back. My focus, my purpose, my essence.

And it feels good. It feels right. And I am almost understanding more now why the best writing of the best writers happens when they are older, more polished, more experienced, more rough around the edges.

When all the youthful spark has been extinguished and what's left, is the determined embers, that will not go softly, that will not die out. That will continue, fervently glowing, creating warmth and not just drawing attention from its flicker, but pulling people in by it's so…

Room with a view

We've been in our new home for 10 weeks nos and it's feeling more like home than ever.Every day, I sit down at my desk to the most inspiring view.A collection of stories is building. This space makes it easy to gather my thoughts.I've been consumed with a few work projects and am looking forward to collecting my thoughts soon.Writers club is still going ... I was on a bit of a hiatus but hope to get into my routine for fall. For now, boat gazing is helping.

One thing

It's that time of year again. That time when we all decide to become a little more of our better selves.

It's a good time of year to commit to something, even if just to say you're going to try to make it happen. And, even if things don't change and perhaps you even fail at whatever you were resolving, it's actually just the action of pledging change that really brings the most benefit.

And so, this year, as I'm sure most writers are pledging, I pledge to WRITE. MORE.

Not necessarily blog more. But write more. Keep the act of it going. Commit to treating it as my craft instead of my hobby. Promising to keep it a hobby at heart but a skill in practice.

I've started a daily journal again - one page per day -- of anything, really mostly a rundown of what I did that day. Or heck, even a bit of stream of consciousness of what's banging around in the old head that day.



I also bought another daily Q&A book that, if I'm successful, will carry me across…