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The Slient Treatment

I do feel a bit bad that I have been very vague in my exciting news and unfortunately, I am still sworn to secrecy.

I can tell you that it is getting much closer...and much scarier...

The most exciting thing I can now talk about is made possible by the fact that it is May.

When we were little, in an effort to stop us begging and pleading for birthday presents EVERY DAY and also to assist in maintaing my mother's sanity, there was a rule in our house that we could not talk about our birthday - not talk meaning not discuss the plans of the day, the requests of the gifts, the people to invite - until the first day of the month of our birthdays.

Every year, I would wait and wait for May to come along. Then I would bombard my mom with questions who, already agreeing to allow us to talk about our birthdays once we had arrived at the month, was then forced to endure a DAILY ritual of birthday chatter.

(May must have really sucked because my little sister H is 4 days after mine. How did her head not explode?)

And so when May 1 came along this year, I suddenly got all excited and said 'I get to talk about my birthday'.

Then I laughed to myself. Because I have been talking about my birthday since I turned 29 last year. It seems to be what happens in your last year of your 20s. You obsess about your 30th.

I have always maintained that I am quite happy with my life so far. I know that if I had not travelled the way I have I would probably be depressed about the big day. This is not to say you have to travel to be happy before 30, it is to say I would not have been happy if I had not travelled before I was 30.

But there is part of me that must admit I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself. There is an apprehension, an acceptance of 'getting old'. A realisation that I'm further and further away from the carefree person I loved at 25 and closer and closer to a person that might just start getting bogged down in all that 'grown up settling down stuff'.

Even worse, I may end up liking it.

Clarification that I am not saying people who are settled and adult are not fufilled. This is about a personal choice. Knowing yourself is the greatest gift you can give you. And I know me.

Me - not yet ready to be happy grounded. And when you're not ready to be grounded the thought of being grounded makes you all the more anxious that you are really really really REALLY not going to like being grounded!!!!!!!!

And there is this pressure about 30, this MUST DO SOMETHING pressure that just makes me want to crawl under a hole and pray there is enough chips and G&Ts to allow me to survive for the next 60 years.

Then May 1 hit. And the little kid in me instinctively came out. And suddenly, I was excited about my birthday again.

Not just because I could talk about it but also because there is that little girl inside who just won't quit. Turning another decade is not making her go away any time soon.

Bring on May 24.

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